If I were able to truly live up to the spirit of a yogi, yesterday would have been a great day for practicing some good qualities. But, alas, I am still too attached, and had a difficult time observing a thought or reaction and just let it go without judging it.
The morning lecture was kind of theoretical and although I understood the gist of it, I felt very cloudy. I couldn't do the exercises with confidence. I already kind of blamed myself for not getting it, figuring that what's covered is really basic, and something any introductory statistics student should and could learn. Then, at the end of class, we got our first exam back. I could not believe my eyes! I lost 12 points just due to simple miscalculations!! There were a total of four places that I either misread or miscalculated! Four! I even wrote down 12/8=1, and looked up the table for 0.0006 when I wrote down to look up 0.006! What's wrong with me? I could have gotten a 97, but instead I got a 85. It's like the guilt after accidentally driving into a pole: you look at the damage and wondered how on earth could you have done this! And you did it repeatedly! Was it stress? Rusty test-taking skills? or my period? I couldn't figure it out.
Anyway, I know all too well that my objective in this class is to learn the materials and I need not care too much about grades. The point of learning is so I can use the skill to do some good some day, not to get perfect scores and feel good about minor "successes". I should just put the bad test aside and if anything, learn to be more careful next time. But it's easier said than done. I drifted around all afternoon feeling awful, trying to study but had a hard time concentrating. I went to use the computer lab and couldn't get my commands responded. The professor was sitting right behind me but I was too shy (and embarrassed) to ask for help. After a whole hour of fiddling with simple graphing commands, I finally got help, and it was as simple as using another version of the software!
The long and short of it was, I wasted a lot of time. I was upset and couldn't let go. So at the end, I decided what I needed today is a good yoga lesson. Getting on to the mat does make a difference! Although I couldn't say I could completely relax and focus on my practice, I think I did feel a lot better after the lesson. I see what a perfect day it could have been to practice shifting awareness, centering and re-centering, and what a beginner I am in this lifelong practice.
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