What makes a charismatic leader?

Wow… I now know what charisma really means. A lunch and a seminar discussion with Jerry Brown later, I felt informed, inspired, and empowered.

So, what makes a charismatic leader/visionary? What I can say is that after hearing him speak and learning about all that he has done, you have an urge to follow, either by working for him or finding a cause that you are personally passionate about and devoting to it. He also gives me the impression of being an honest person who speaks his mind, and who is savvy and knows how to play the game very well. I think many of my colleagues felt the same way as I did.

Mr. Brown has had an interesting and highly public career. In fact, as we were walking across Shattuck to University Hall, pedestrian stopped to shake his hand, saying “It’s such a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Brown, I voted for your presidency back in XX”. I was so impressed! Just a quick recap of some of the positions he’s held that I can remember: he went to St. Ignatius High and one year of Santa Clara University (my alma mater) in SF in the 50s (a pivotal educational experience, with its focus on social justice!), entered Jesuit novitiate in early 60s, left after four years to attend UC Berkeley and then a law degree, later was Governor of California for 8 years before being defeated by Pete Wilson. During his post, he refused to move into the Governor’s Mansion and declined the limousine; instead rented an apartment across the street from the city hall. He also ran for presidency and lost in second-place to Bill Clinton. In between elected positions, spent years abroad visiting developing countries--worked at Mother Teresa’s home for the dying, visit the Soviet Union and China in the 80s, studied Zen meditation in Japan. He also served as a mayor of Oakland and is currently the California Attorney General.

This is a man who thinks outside the box and beyond institutional boundaries, who is keenly aware of the causes of social inequities, and at the same time, unlike me and most people I interact with, he is deeply immersed in making real changes everyday, working for legal and policy-level solutions.

Since I know nothing about politics and the political process, it was intriguing to hear him talk about the “process”, and to make any change, most of the effort (energy, time, talent, and most importantly, money) is spent in “lawyering”, the legal process that make things work. For me, that gave a realistic glimpse to the larger system, something I believe we in public health or most application-oriented fields should keep in mind.

I got the guts up to ask him a follow-up question, and a question that he dealt very seriously with for a length of time. He looked at me so intently that I almost couldn’t digest everything he said because I was a bit hyped up! Towards the end, he moved the discourse from public to something very personal, and words such as ZEST, JOY, and PLEASURE, came out of his speech. Basically, he challenges us to look for the pleasure in life that keeps us going at something we are passionate about. And this is how he defines a leader: “You see that something is wanted and needed, and you provide it.” Upon hearing joy and pleasure, I had to challenge him because I personally felt differently. I mentioned that “all the facts and data that we are presented with everything make me depressed rather than feeling a sense of joy! When I see the likelihood of a Black 4-year-old kid in West Oakland being sent to prison or having diabetes at the age of 40, as compared to a White kid of a professor in Berkeley, I get depressed!” This is when he mentioned the word “zest”: “Maybe you guys in public health need to read more poetry!”

What an experience. Now I am thinking that out of those “ugly” politicians in DC, there must be some folks like Jerry Brown that I have yet to meet! A true visionary can do so much. I just hope I am not too optimistic—I think most people would say that, but I am sick of hearing the pessimistic attitude many--including many in the left--hold.

Lunch with Jerry Brown

I am invited to have lunch with Attorney General Jerry Brown today! I can't believe it. And I didn't even know who this person was except for his name!! So after so online research and asking around (the dorm mates have a lot to offer) I am really getting excited and came up with some questions to pose. It's amazing what kind of unexpected exposure can occur!!

Will let you know..

One reason Paul missed Taiwan..

He went to a talk and the room was jam-packed with no seats left. He stood for a few seconds and decided to leave. Coming out of the room, he thought, "Gee I miss Taiwan! Multiple students would have leaped up and offered their seats to an old prof!" He then thought in Germany, the seats would have been reserved for profs in advance. So it's only in America that such acts of showing respect are not common. A good thing, and a bad thing, I guess...

They will never understand....

Last night at my sister's birthday dinner (where my mom went crazy with cooking delicious dishes!!) I met a friend who turned out to have gone the same high school with me in the same grade; we shared many common friends, and had almost the same--mostly terrible-- teachers! It was such a huge shock, wonderful because I now have a very nice high-school friend in town, sad because I learned that I wasn't alone in feeling traumatized. We came to the exact same sentiment that, "Those people... those who went to Tai-da (Taiwan University) and Bei-yi-nu (Taipei First Girls School).... they will never ever understand (us)".

How should I explain this to people who never went through the system? In a way, we kind of felt like we were the uncool burnouts. In spite of having tried hard, we never measured up to those "successful", "smart" kids, so we may as well pretend we didn't care! This is a shadow that had stayed with me for years, the feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem on the academic front. Luckily, I have slowly realized (since coming to the US and changing to becoming a sort of an achiever if you will....) that we were victims of an oppressive, result-focused, rather mean-spirited educational system. I have over the years tried to overcome the mental barrier. But in the back of my mind, I knew that had I not been "saved from hell", as a little suffocating fish scooped back into the pond from a hot concrete floor, I would have permanently felt somewhat lesser. After all, even though my high school wasn't a bad one, only less than 30% of the class got into any college at the first try, while those in the "good" schools almost all got in.

Well, this former school mate was not so lucky in having the chance to rethink about it all. Having studied in Japan for 8 years, she sensed that her feeling of inferiority only got worse by a generally oppressive culture and society. Coming to the prestigious Berkeley to visit her husband, she is extremely uneasy about being around "those smart people", those who went to Tai-da, Jiao-da, Tsinghua (Note: that's the school I was a professor at!! I would never ever had gotten in there myself 15 years ago!!). So the two of us commiserated, and I tried to share my thoughts about the different systems of evaluation, the fact that "those Tai-da babies" are not necessarily all that smarter... They just knew how to take tests in the way the tests were designed.... We people shouldn't despair.... We can be just as bright and make a contribution. I go on and on like that.

But I know that these feelings of vulnerability are not easily rid off, and I know how lucky I am to be born in a supportive family and have the opportunity for a different educational experience. These are what she and most of my high-school mates never had. I also know that I completely sympathize with these unreasonable but very true feelings. Victim of the system? I guess it's given me a better perspective on some struggling folks.

Sorry, my Tai-da and Bei-yi-nu friends... but you know what? You just don't understand!

Like spotting your 1st grade teacher at the market...

I remember when we were little, incidental sightings of your teacher at the market or in the hospital were such a strange and stomach-churning surprise: "How would my teacher also need to shop for food?" "What is SHE doing HERE?"

For some reason, I've always been fascinated with the idea that each of us has many different faces that we present to different people in different contexts at different times. (BTW, the Australian movie Lantana speaks to this idea really well... for those with Netflix...) With each different role, we may show more or less vulnerability. For example, a judge may seem so powerful and authoritative in one situation, and yet so weak and troubled at home. A professor may seem so brilliant and convincing in the classroom, but so powerless in another setting. So who exactly are we when the different identities tell such different stories of the same self?

Well, my present life definitely forces me to think about this issue all the time. At work and at the dorm, I face people with such distinct and different roles in another situation. For example, I just learned that a dorm mate, a Sri Lankan monk, with whom I actually share a bathroom with, is an abbot and a widely revered spiritual leader in the Buddhist community. Sri Lankans in particular would kiss the ground upon seeing the reverend as a sign of utmost respect. They actually bring foods to honor him. (Well, as much as I want to find a meditation mentor, sharing a bathroom with your teacher is a bit too odd!) Another Japanese priest, also a dorm mate, has a similar leadership role in his temple, though at home he's a total recluse. At school, an older classmate, with whom I sit together in class and have lunch, is actually a well-known top surgeon and researcher and a main leader of the UCSF Cancer Center. People would usually wait months to get an appointment with this guy, who's supposedly got some huge budget on his lap! Even my mentor was shocked to learn that "John wears jeans??!!" And yet, I see his other side as a peer student with reflection papers to turn in and quizzes to take, a side that his colleagues and medical colleagues and students dare not even imagine!

I know there are many people that I interact with that I only focus on one side of them: an immigration officer, a homeless person, a cashier, a renown scholar, .... Sometimes I think it's nice to be reminded that we all have so many sides, some more prominent than others, and that spotting your teacher at the market should not after all be any kind of a surprise!

Being home at Green Gulch Farm

My dorm mate C and I spent this Sunday morning at the Green Gulch Farm, with meditation sessions, a garden walk, and a very enlightening dharma talk with the abbot there. This was my second time in this Zen center (last time was when we were pregnant with Ben; Paul and I spent a night at the guest house). I really felt at home, peaceful, and refreshed. Of course the lunch with turnip soup, cabbage salad and freshed baked bread (everything from their famous organic garden) was savory and very memorable. I have an urge to return every week, as I can see myself easing so well into this spiritual practice with a lot of like-minded people. Yet another part of me tells me that I should seek this type of refuge wherever I am, rather than relying on a place and a person I cannot physically visit regularly. I know the place is there.

In the meantime, I would encourage anyone to check it out even just for a Sunday morning. You will most likely love its atmosphere. And it's just 20 minutes north of the Golden Gate Bridge!! Or those out of town, the dharma talks are all recorded.

My introduction to Uganda

If there was one single day that I've learned the most in my time at the school of public health, it would be today, through a long conversation with a classmate, Jane, from Uganda. It was a profound experience at every level, intellectually and emotionally, as a mother and as a public health researcher, as an American and as a "foreigner" at the same time.

Where shall I begin? Maybe I should tell you a little bit about my friend. Jane is a PhD student at Berkeley on Fogarty Fellowship (training award for researchers in the developing countries to come to the US to do HIV-related research). She is a mother of three children, aged 15, 8, and 5--all are in Uganda with their father while their mom pursues a PhD degree. Jane is a pharmacist by trait and has been involved in a lot of clinical trials back in Africa. This is her third year at Berkeley. She tries to talk to her children a couple of times a week.. (Suddenly, the thought that I'll get to see my children within two weeks seems too good to be true!)

I've been wanting to have lunch with her. I wanted to learn about the daily lives of Ugandans, their problems and aspirations. In my mind, through my readings both in and outside of public health, that part of the world is represented by the following: heat, hunger, internal (tribal) conflict, infectious diseases, unemployment, and most of all, poverty. All of these are very remote from my life just because I've lucked out to be born in the right place at the right time. Jane was patient enough to withstand my constant, two-hour-long questioning. I guess we relate well with each other because we are both moms away from our children, and I share her passion for work in the developing countries.

As it turns out, the above-mentioned problems are pretty much all there as we speak today, except for maybe hunger (the country is 100% agricultural so even though there's not much to do and no money, some basic food's grown as long as the soil is not too barren). Besides AIDS, malaria, TB, and a host of infectious diseases prevail the country. Every time I think of TB, I remember my father's stories of watching his siblings dying from TB infection. I realize how close I personally am to these horrible and yet completely preventable diseases. And these diseases are far from being eradicated. There's a lot waiting to be done.

The ethnic cleaning in northern Uganda that took place in the 80s and 90s and to some degree today left a violent legacy. Jane spoke of children mutilated (with ears and lips cut off by rebels) and snatched to be front-line soldiers, children who lost limbs from land mines, orphans.... No one has yet had the time to estimate the psychological damage.

I also asked about the role of churches in Uganda, seeing that all of my African classmates have Christian names. Jane estimates that 40% of the country are protestants, 30% Catholics, and about 20+% Muslims, and the rest traditional African beliefs. She thinks the churches play a tremendous role in community-building and in upholding values and faith. One aspect that made me angry at the Catholic Church was its staunch position against birth control and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. As far as I see, in a context where the population is plagued by the horrible disease of AIDS, discouraging condom use is simply immoral and irresponsible.

I also asked her perspective on potential solutions to all these problems. What are the root causes of illness and disease? What can she, the West, the UN, and foundations such as the Gates Foundations, and people like you and me do? I learned about the ethical issues of western researchers conducting trials in Africa (of which there are numerous), the problem of sustainability in research and programs, and her dreams of making some difference. She said she had no desire to stay in the US, as so many brilliant African scientists leave their countries. She actually had the option of bringing her children here, but she and her husband decided that if they were educated in the US, they may not relate to their roots and may eventually turn into Americans, something she desperately try to avoid. (What a difference in mentality from most Taiwanese parents that I know!!)

Of course, I was also very curious about her experience living in the US. During this part of the conversation, I did have to remind her that Berkeley is by no means real America. This came as a surprise to her. But I see that it helped explain some of her confusions between what we are learning at school and what she observes in daily life. For example, the obesity epidemic is the single most important public health topic today in the US, with soaring number of obese people at all age levels. Well, you just don't see that here in Berkeley, with some many walkers, runners and bikers and organic foods. Another thing is she was surprised to see was the low attendance rate at churches, as she doesn't know the existence of strong and powerful Christian communities throughout the US. (Somehow mega/evangelical churches don't go well with Berkeley attitudes.) On a lighter note, this well-educated native speaker of English had NO clue as to who Elvis Presley is! She asked if it was a classical musician! So I truly lacked a better way to introducing Memphis!

Above all, I found one comment Jane made to be most intriguing: She wonders why Americans seem so unhappy and some many are depressed. She said that in the face of extreme poverty, war, diseases, people in her country are generally upbeat and joyous. So what makes so many Americans so depressed? Why are we so depressed when we have so so much?

Something weird is, by this point, I was getting a little "Americanly" depressed. I think about my passions and my hopes to do something. I think about these children. Our children. The future of our world. The fact that we conveniently live in separate worlds to worry about our own problems as if they are the only problems we know that exist. I think about how I often would avoid learning about news that would make me upset. And yet, I am sitting with this woman everyday in classrooms, in a way her problems are not that far from mine. Today, she was my best teacher. That much I know at least.

Too much coffee? And Happy Valentine's Day

I had my much-anticipated meeting with my mentor at UCSF to talk about the paper I am working on. While the meeting went really well, I got a little overexcited and came across as an extreme Type A person!! My mentor even asked if I had drunken a lot of coffee. I felt so bad! I can think of at least five reasons for my rushed manner, but I won't dwell on them.

After getting home, the first email I got was from Wassila, Ben's teacher, with this picture attached. How can you not cry!!Isn't he the sweetest? That face. That gaze. Those fingers. My heart has melted....

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Beautiful older women

Looking around my Yoga Room class tonight, I realized that I was one of the youngest. Most of the women are in their 50s and many in their 60s. And they all look great! It's inspiration to see these older women with good postures, flexibility, physical stamina, and heightened awareness of their bodies. These are traits that, in my opinion, make them natural, beautiful and attractive, not the anti-aging cream, face lifts, Botox, or hair dyes.

The moral for me is: I should never worry when the gray hair continues to pop up, and when wrinkles start to show around the eyes. With a good and continued practice, we all can stay healthy, natural, limber, and happy with ourselves! Let's hope I continue to feel this way!

ps. I do have to say that the Yoga Room is an unusual place in the context of the recently increasing popularity of yoga. The overall focus is somewhat different and quite "Berkeley", if you will. You don't see any fashionable yoga outfits or 20-year-olds trying to stay slim to be supermodel, it's just purely yoga, with t-shirts and tights.

an unproductive day after a busy weekend

After a wonderful weekend with everyone in Arlington, I got back to my dorm after midnight from the Oakland airport. My ears wouldn't pop for a long time so I didn't get to sleep until 2. I woke up quite early and immediately got into the work mode: when I feel bad about not being with the family, I make myself work as hard as possible (or at least I make myself look as if I am working as hard as possible). This way I don't feel bad, guilty, or emotional. (I think I am too much of a Type-A person!)

But somehow today's schedule didn't work out for me to feel productive. The biostat was too abstract for me to even know where to begin learning. The social epi professor rather drove me nuts. My project data analysis can't start until I meet with my mentor. So by the end of the day, I feel unaccomplished, annoyed, very hungry. At Whole Foods, seeing all these parents with their little ones, I got really sad. I saw a mom kissing her 3-year-old on the head. I wished at that time that I could kiss Ben's head...

Back in the dorm, it was so nice to have housemates around! And what an eclectic group of people we have in the house. Each one comes with an interesting life history, and I know that had it not been these months in Berkeley, I could never have had the opportunity to meet these individuals. So after talking with C and R, I felt better. I went to bed nice and early at 9pm :)

Claire

I am always inspired when I see an “everyday” person so devoted to her work. That level of care at something seemingly un-special sometimes puts me to shame. During our time in Taiwan, Noah’s teacher, Xiao-zhuang laoshi was such an person. Her devotion, care and passion for the kids really showed through in her words and actions. A post office worker also touched me with her personable attitudes. When helping me to decide on how to mail things, she tried to help me save money and get the best deal, when all she needed to do is report the prices and answer my questions.

One of my current yoga teachers, Claire, is this kind of a person. Before going into describing her, let me give a bit of context of yoga at Berkeley. Basically, if you want to do yoga, there is a class for you at any given hour of the day throughout the city. In particular, the university has an awesome fitness system with multiple facilities (there are five pools and gyms of different sizes that we can choose) and ongoing group classes throughout the day/week. Students pay only $5 for a whole semester of access to all the gyms, pools, and group classes, so these yoga classes are essentially free. Being sort of a purist, I thought doing yoga at gym would not fare not to real studios. However, I was wrong: some of the group yoga classes are exceptional and the teachers top-notch. Talking about one way to combat the obesity epidemic in the US!

For a few months, I’ve been going to Wed. evening vinyasa classes with Claire at a small clubhouse up on the hills east of campus. It’s an advanced level course that is demanding and cardiovascular. Claire shows up early. Right at 6:15 she closes the door. You can tell she is passionate about the practice, and wants to help us better our practice. She is tireless in going around, guiding and adjusting everyone, offering individual tips and pointers. She is also very present in the moment, never giving you the feeling of simply “going through the motion”. Even though the class is only 75 minutes, it always feels much longer and very thorough. As I tell Paul, I always feel better after a class—I think he can tell from my voice.

I really believe in the transformative power of a good yoga teacher, and Claire is making a difference through her work.

One person, one vote

This is my sister's first time being able to vote, and she is quite serious about this previlige and responsibility (as I memorized in my civics class back in third grade in Shih-men Elementary School: "Voting is a prevelge as well as a responsbibility of every citizen") Last night she spent an hour studying the bills and the propositions in addition to conversing with friends about the advantages and disadvantages of Hilary vs. Obama. As much as every thing is quite political and complicated, the moment of casting a vote does have its "sacred" quality. On the front page of the Post this morning, we see Bill Clinton placing his ballot. He's got one vote, Ashing's got one vote, you've got one vote. Though I don't have a vote, I do have a voice to can speak to the voters. Maybe I am too naive, but it is a cool thing, this democratic society. I remain hopeful that voters will think clearly and have concerns over the greater good.