Trick-or-treat!

Noah decided to be an air-traffic controller who also acts as an American Airlines pilot. The air traffic controller is leading his companion, a koala bear wearing a stuffed koala, on their trick-or-treating! We are proud of our home-made costumes and unique characters!!

Oh I miss them too too much! My Halloween is not as exciting or fun even though I am surrounded by rowdy students with crazy costumes.

This transition is harder for mama than for the boys....

Noah and Ben have had two mornings of school, and things are going pretty well. Ben held back his tears both days in class and only protested with cries as they got in the car, but seemed to be slowly accepting the situation. Noah had no problem from hour 1! We are very lucky that both of them have really nice teachers--I've yet to meet them but they sound wonderful.

The real problem is with the mommy here in California: it's so hard being away from everyone! Harder than I had imagined. I really miss them, and to counter that I keep working non-stop. It's partly due to guilt and partly due to a habit: ever since Noah was born, I've been so used to working really hard while not being with them, and rushing home to change on the mommy hat. Now, not being able to see them as frequently, I think I need to readjust my work pace and habit. I need to slow down or diversify my interests. I just haven't found a balance. I am sure with time I'll do better.

A day alone in pajama pants

This is a very weird weekend: it's the first time in five years that I have a whole weekend to myself, with no family obligations or social commitments. At some point I almost don't know what to do with this strange sense of freedom (or loneliness, depending on how you approach it).

Instead of spending this Sunday in the Buddhist dorm room, I came back to Belmont so I can enjoy the house, the sunshine, yard, music, bathtub, and television, if need be! Actually I came back late last night, after a first-time gathering with the interdisciplinary MPH folks at a pub in a hip SF downtown area. I felt so old-fashioned in this pub with loud music. I almost wanted to suggest, "Why don't we talk outside so we don't have to shout!" But I resisted the inclination and tried to enjoy this unfamiliar atmosphere. I remembered how awkward I would feel in these very occasional 'clubbing' circumstances. I still felt very uncool and all, but it didn't bother me anymore. So that's an improvement.

Today I decided to stay in so I actually kept my pajama pants on all day! This last time I would wear PJ all day was during my bed rest period during pregnancy with Noah five years ago exactly this time! I just can't get over how differently I felt then!

I had two important and helpful phone conversations with a Berkeley mentor and my UCSF mentor--I can't believe everyone's working on a Sunday! Besides that, I just read all day with Bach cantatas in the background. I thought of taking a walk but I was just too sore from this intense ashtanga yoga class yesterday, so to make a record, I decided to keep my pajama pants on all the way through the day. Call me lazy if you like!

Actually, the highlight of the day was I watched a videotape of one of my college concerts, where I played a Bartok concerto with the university orchestra, my one-and-only experience as a soloist in an orchestral performance! Boy--I actually could play the piano (very fast!!) back then! Though not perfect, my playing really impressed me, but I surely didn't like the way I looked! What's so strange is I could imagine that during those good old days, piano was the center of my life. I practice day in and day out, dreaming of being on stage with the orchestra. Now these ideas seem so remote and foreign and yet still remembered. I sometimes get this feeling when I watch new parents hovering over their newborn like there's nothing else in the world except this little creature. "Oh--those days!" You feel that you are so over and done with that, and yet you know how it felt intimately.

I realized that the things I hold as so important today will probably be regarded as so remote and maybe unimportant in a few years time. This really puts things in perspective.

Paul's Iceland and Norway Trip

Right before the boys' arrival, Paul squeezed in a five-day trip to Iceland and Tromso, Norway where he presented at some workshops. He seemed to have had a nice time there and here are some photos he took.

The land of milk and honey: The boys' homecoming

The people of Egypt have been told of the promised land, a land of milk and honey, where all is good and beautiful and suffering is no more.

Such is the mood of little Benjamin these past few days, in anticipation of his return to his home, a place he doesn't really know since the last time he was there he was only 16 months old. Nevertheless, he's heard a great deal of wonderful things about this "home", which he refers to us "our home in Arlington". Noah's provided painstaking details of this place, with trucks, trains, a big train table, a sandbox in the shape of a turtle, a room with Dr. Seuss figures all over the wall, such is the place that they spent their cozy and memorable infancy and toddler days. Plus all the wonderful friends that Noah misses! Obviously, upon hearing all these exciting descriptions and seeing pictures of the place, Ben has conjured up a notion of this "promised house", perhaps much more splendor than its reality. He tells me "there are a lot of toys in our house in Arlington". He also learned that he'll have his own bed (In Taiwan and in CA, the boys' been sleeping together like an old married couple, going to bed and waking up together... I think it's so cute!)

Last night he could hide his excitement no more: he danced around, sang, laughed, and just went all crazy in anticipation of today's airplane ride on the brand-new Virgin America. Last night, after the boys got out of bath, Ben heard mama telling me that she's checked all four of them in (on-line) and printed out boarding passes, he immediately ran to the shoe dresser, saying, "I need to put on my shoes!" Then he realized he made a mistake. He said, laughing at himself: "I thought it was time to go to the airport already!" I gave him the biggest hug, "Not yet, baby. You'll go tomorrow morning after sleep!"

Seeing his excitement is good for me: it allowed me to focus on the positive side of this transition rather than feeling sad about our separation. And it was even better that I have a huge midterm tomorrow so after dropping them off at the airport, I had no time to be sad but hit the books right away. (I did cry a little after getting back in the car, remembering the way my boys held each other's hands entering the airport....)

Now, under my parents' great leadership and loving care, they have safely arrived in Arlington and apparently quite excited by the train table--though there's no train on it yet. I was told there are good pictures so I shall wait to get them and share them with you.

Back to epi studies... I just didn't want to wait to jot down this big day, a day we've been anticipation and I secretly dreading.

Kitchen's big helper

Since last weekend's cooking session, Noah's been very interested in helping out in the kitchen. When I am busy preparing a meal, he'll ask whether and how he can help. When I wasn't ready for his help, he says, "I'll go to the living room and play with yipopo (my aunt) for a little bit, and whenever you are ready, just call me, okay?" Before dinner, he helped decorate the butternut squash soups with chopped herbs, made and distributed the guava/pomegranate juice and set the table. He was very proud of being able to contribute in this way. I made a mental note of the value and fun of involving the kids in home tasks.

I remember that four years ago, we visited a family at Berkeley who were Paul's grad school friends. I was so impressed and touched by what I saw at that house that we made a running joke of "Jean" being my newfound idol. "Tom" and "Jean" are both professors and have three lovely young daughters and live in an old rental house right in the heart of gourmet ghetto. What's unique about them--at the time, as new parents, it seemed so unusual and implausible--is their alternative lifestyle. Just a few examples: the whole family is strict vegetarians. They don't own a car (use bus or walk). The mom runs marathons. What really struck me was how friendly, involved and hospitable the girls were. They brought out muffins, tea, and introduced us to their house without being asked them. One of them told us that when their mom's book came out, they baked a pineapple upside down cake and threw a party to celebrate it with friends. The house was a mess and the girls walked around barefoot (they were actually packing up to move to Europe the next day), but it felt so warm and welcoming. As we took a walk to get pizza, they stopped by this dingy Chinese vegetarian takeout place and hugged the owner goodbye. They seemed so at-home in the neighborhood. I remember being amazed: how does "Jean" handle all of this--her teaching, research and fieldwork in rural California, plus three very young children--without even a car? I also noted how much I enjoyed being with their children and feeling their energy and joy. Anyway, I thought of them when I saw Noah's enthusiasm for sharing the juice he made with the rest of the family. I should involve them more often.

Load up on food to lose weight?

This morning I put on a pair of cords that I had bought in Taiwan. Just as I had been suspecting: tummy is secretly enlarging, as I felt a squeeze in the belly. Since I was late for class I didn't bother to change into something else. So, I ended up being reminded all day long that I've put on some pounds!! It was uncomfortable, and I felt like unbottom my pants when I sat down. At the end of the day, I sadly donated the pants to my slimmer sister, and she very gladly and graciously received them, just like the many nice clothes she received from me when I became pregnant twice in the past....

This is very curious and rather unfair: In Taiwan, I was pigging out everyday--noodles seafood snack juices pancake you name it--worked very little and had no stress whatsoever, but I was thinner. Now, at Berkeley, I don't eat very well, I carry a gigantic backpack and walk all around campus everyday, I don't sleep well, I am constantly a bit stressed out, and I miss my hubby and soon my children. So how come I am gaining weight with all the lack of yummy foods and stress? How on earth should I explain this? I guess I need more than an Iyengar yoga class for exercise. I need to get my cords back from Shing some day!!

Which do you like better? Taiwan or America?

Over breakfast, we started talking about how I miss the food and friends in Taiwan. Ben said, "We haven't been in Taiwan for a long time," looking all sad (he tends to do that whenever he requests for something that he doesn't currently have.) I asked Noah, "So, do you like living in Taiwan or America?" He replied with no reservation: America. "Oh, why?" Here are some of the reasons he listed:

--Here we can see Nana and Papa more easily.
--Daddy doesn't speak Chinese.
--I like puopuo's cooking better--this is after we asked him what about the more delicious food in Taiwan?

It's funny. I also think America is viewed more favorably because he's been on vacation from school since returning! But I do find the reasons he gave to be pretty interesting. For one thing, I think he likes knowing those he loves are closer together--not that Memphis is close to California, but it feels closer. Also, he doesn't like his daddy to be a 'minority' with language barriers. He knew that Paul couldn't fit in completely because he doesn't speak Chinese well. I don't remember ever talking about this issue, but Noah picked it up that his daddy couldn't get along as easily as he can here. For a second I got a peek at the minds of new immigrant children.

Weekend with kids

Another wonderful weekend with my fun/funny boys: farmer's market, playdate/dinner with my friends Jenny and Angela and their children, playing doctor, cooking, ending with a visit to the annual Belmont fair. I enjoyed every minute of it! I know I shall miss them very much when they move back to DC next week :(

The San Mateo farmer's market was wonderful. The kids enjoyed it as well and helped picked out pretty flowers for puopuo. After getting home we spent hours playing the "doctor game", where Noah is the surgeon--who continuous performs operations on all the stuffed animal patients--and Ben is the shot-giving doctor. I am assigned to be either a nurse or a mommy of a patient taking care of her after the surgery.

The afternoon "farewell" play date with four other kids of similar age was a highlight for all of the six kids--they are really good at playing together now, and very little adult intervention/supervision is necessary. This gives the moms a great chance to catch up. And my sweet mom made a nice dinner for us to enjoy together :) In a way it's really amazing that my friends from when I first came to this country, all close in age, are moms as well. It doesn't seem like a long time ago that we were doing bible studies and ski trips as college kids, and look what's happened since then!

On Sunday, my parents went to church, and the boys and I decided to stay in since it's kind of cloudy and chilly out. I proposed a big cooking extravaganza, and they immediately jumped at the idea. Noah cleaned and cut broccoli into florets, while Ben prepared with a plastic knife fruit salad with bananas, grapes, cantaloupe, and mixed in chunks of tofu pudding. Then we together made pasta, an omelet with shrimp and peas, and steamed broccoli with oil and vinegar. Oh, we also made sweet milk tea which the boys just loved. Ben actually thought it was "zhen-zhu-nai-cha" (pearl milk tea), except we cheated and never put int the pearls. The kids were so proud of themselves, ate a ton, and Noah offered to help me cook in the future. This activity reminds me the many advantages of involving in the kids in everyday tasks, which I should do more of, as they actually love it and learn a great deal about shared family responsibilities in the meantime.

After bedtime stories, they customarily request me to sing some songs. They wanted me to sing "Peace is flowing like a river", but I only knew the lyrics in Chinese. After I sang the whole song with multiple verses in Chinese, Noah was curious as to why I only knew it in Chinese. I said that some songs I only know the English words, and some Chinese because I learned them at different times, some here and some in Taiwan. I said that I only know "Liang zhi lao hu" in Chinese, for example. Looking clever, he said, "But we can change it to English!" "Go ahead!" "Uhmmmm, two lions, running fast." "Wait, Noah, is Lao-hu a lion?" He became a little hesitant and said softly, "Let me think about it..." I saw him digging his head into the pillow trying to come up with the translation. He paused for a good five seconds and said, with some hesitance, "is it cheetah?"

Now there's something for people interested in language, cognition, and bilingualism to study. He of course knows "tiger" and "laohu" perfectly well as a native speaker of both languages, but he's never been asked to translate, and in the process, he had to search hard for the other word for this particular animal! I suspect with such a basic vocabulary item, this is something that would never happen to a monolingual who learned a second language later, like myself. So that was quite an interesting and revealing moment about his language acquisition process.

Back to school for another busy week. I have the fun weekend to remember with a smile.

Hard to take it easy....

I try to resist the constant urge to tell people how I feel about what I am learning in public health. These days, whether in classes or on NPR/newspapers, I get very emotional about social issues. Sometimes imagination is not a good thing. When I dwell into an issue, whether it be the crazy US health care system, the immigration issues, the innocent civilian casualties involved in the Irag war, homeless issue, or the xenophobic ideologies, I have a hard time taking these issues personally--as a mother, a woman "of color", an aspiring "public healther", or just someone privileged enough to be educated.

Today, in the health policy module, we spent two hours learning about the history of health insurance in the US. This mess and deeply unfair system left me speechless. Do you know that, in America, if you are sick and poor and don't have a stable job, the likelihood or you getting any kind of insurance coverage is almost zero? Something like 16%of children are uninsured. The pharmaceutical companies have the most powerful lobbyist working with every single congressman in DC. Medicaid only covers about 50% of the poorest of the poor (100% below poverty line). I can go on and on with these upsetting numbers, behind them are real vulnerable human beings who deserve some protection! Not to mention that our president proceeded to veto the extension of the State Children's Health Insurance Program!! How could such a rich and developed country be so boldly cruel and unethical towards its poor and its children?

Since I don't have the right to vote yet, my American friends--please take your vote seriously, and do not let the Republicans' scare tactics fool you(calling any Democrat's health care reform plan as turning us into "socialist medicine"--it's a red herring! Nobody is doing anything close to that among the Democratic candidates!!) If you don't agree with me, please let me know and we can continue the conversation.

I am sorry for using this fun-sharing forum for something so serious but very personal. I just cannot keep quiet right now....

Rice for the Buddha, rice for me

One great thing about living in this Buddhist dormitory is the abundance and variety of free rice! Brown rice white rice jasmine rice basmati rice, we've got it all! At first I thought it was a tradition of generosity or almsgiving (sp?), but lately I learned that it's a (Pureland) Shin Buddhist tradition of daily offering of rice to the Buddha, the Amita! No wonder the neuro-fuzzy Japanese rice cooker is set to finish cooking at 8am everyday! And all day long we can enjoy warm rice.

Once I learned that the 8am rice is reserved for the Buddha and after it's offered to him we all can enjoy the rest, I asked our house manager whether it's possible to set it at 7:30am so I can take it for lunch before heading out the door at 7:45. She was so happy to hear that I could use the 'leftover' but freshly-made rice! "Of course! But the Buddha has to eat it first." "Hmmm, but I don't actually eat it until noon time, does that matter?" "Well, the first scoop has to be brought up to Him. Can you do it then?" "Sure, I'd be happy to. Just teach me how!"

So I learned how to scoop out the rice and put it in the golden dish, carefully making a mount-shaped top, and respectfully bring it upstairs to our prayer room, putting it in front of the middle god, the Amita. It was easy, and offers a good 5 seconds of meditation! And then I go down to scoop out a bowl of nice nutty brown rice into my beloved lunch thermos (yes this thing is amazing.. it keeps your food warm for 3 hours!), accompanied by whatever I have in the fridge.

Now, I am sure my friends in Taiwan would be appalled to hear what I ate today along with my brown rice: not wanting to really cook in the morning, I boiled some fresh string beans, seasoned it with sesame oil and tamari soy sauce and toasted black sesame. I also took some roasted cashews and sheets of roasted seaweed. Along with an apple, that makes up my health and nutritious lunch!! And it wasn't bad!

By the time I came home, Amita had "finished" his brown rice as his bowl had been taken down. What a lucky god to get freshly cooked rice every morning! And lucky me who get to share his leftover!!

A piano recital

I had been looking forward to this recital for months, and it was indeed a treat to hear such great music and witness the art of someone doing something so well! My former piano teacher, Mr. Boepple--I just can't switch to calling him "Hans"--is a remarkable pianist. His interpretation of Chopin and Bach, in particular, is deeply moving and personal.

That said, I did find it a little funny to see my teacher as a performing artist, with the unavoidable vulnerability being in front of a live audience. To me, he is a perfect teacher, who knows everything you ever need to know about piano playing. But on stage, his playing was, not surprisingly, not perfect (nobody is) and I could tell he was nervous at first. It's kind of like the strange feelings and confusion when a little child spots her school teacher at the grocery store. I realized that I have projected my idea and illusion of musical perfection on this human being. So there's a new awareness!

Gee... where am I?

I've been working non-stop 14-15 hour-days for the past three days, with midterms, preparations for meetings, readings, data videos... Just now, in front of the computer, I suddenly had a moment of total disorientation, wondering: why am I hearing train whistles? Where am I anyway? I actually had to pause and think for two seconds, before realizing that I am in Berkeley! It was a strange and very confusing moment!

So many thoughts and ideas I want to write down, but so little time. I just want to say that I am loving the Yoga Room, and I look forward to my weekly classes so much that thinking about it already relaxes me. Another highlight I am looking forward to is the recital by my former piano teacher/guru Mr. Boepple this weekend. I hadn't heard him play in 12 years. I know it'll bring me to tears as soon as he hit his first note. And he is doing my favorite Chopin Ballade no. 4!!

On the kids front, Noah's lately been a big believer of science and he talks about it all the time. Anything we don't yet understand he attributes it to needing more scientists to study the topic. Ben is pursuing his dream of being a air traffic controller and a pilot, for Quantas Air, at first. But I told him that Quantas is based in Australia, which is very far, so he wouldn't be able to see me very often. Upon hearing this, he asked me to suggest an airline for him to work for. Noah suggested "American Airlines" since it is in "America".

Okay, back to my take-home midterm.