I have been graced by many random acts of kindness. Each time it reminds me to be kinder and more generous to people. I hope inspirations like this last long.
If it wasn't for R, a senior researcher at UCSF, I would never have known about the NCI fellowship or be a Berkeley student. I would still be struggling to find something to do professionally. She knew me from nowhere, but for some reason she decided to help me, connect me with people, and encourage me to pursue this fellowship and a career in cancer prevention. I still remember our first meeting, last spring at Georgetown.
I had decided to quit trying to write grants. My extremely busy mentor was not at all helpful and never available. I knew she wasn't interested in what I had to offer. I worked in the dark for months and finally learned that my proposal was not going anywhere. Totally demoralized, I was told to meet with R who was giving a talk at Lombardi. It was late in the day and I was so ready to cancel the meeting as I was in a really lousy mood that day. As we sat down, her smile and sincere gaze sort of lifted my spirit, and after I introduced myself and my background, she said, "You know Sylvia, I have been meeting with folks here all day, and each one of their projects could use a qualitative person like you!" I was --quite cautiously-- flattered, and actually I remembered feeling really sad aftewards as I felt that perhaps I do have something to offer but it will never be materialized.
Well, after her return to SF, R followed up with emails introducing me to investigators at NCI, through whom I eventually learned of and applied to the CPFP fellowship. Right before I turned in the application last summer, I met with her again in SF, where she offered to read my essay and offered very helpful suggestions on it. Then before my big interview, I stopped over at SF from Taiwan en route to DC and visited her again for a "pep talk". She and I rehearsed on the interview, and after I left she actually wrote an email to the directors promoting me. I could not believe how generous she was to a total stranger! I have absolutely nothing to offer her in return (she is quite a big shot in the field), but she just had faith in me, encouraged and supported me, and made me feel comfortable and (somewhat) confident. I still think it's completely surreal that I am doing this, and I am glad she is nearby so we can continue to interact; this time, we'll have a real working relationship looking at colorectal cancer screening among Black, Hispanic, and Chinese populations. I know I will learn a great deal from this experience. I do have the fear of disappointing her, but it's worth a try.
What this experience has inspired is that these acts of generosity do count! And if one day, I get to some position where I could help young people in their career choices, I will be extra generous. I have to be, as it's only fair. I just wanted to write this down so I'll remember it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Yosemite and Bass Lake
My parents, the kids, and Ashing and her boyfriend (yes, there's a boyfriend in the picture!) are at Bass Lake (18 miles south of Yosemite National Park) for a week-long vacation. A great spot, the lake is beautiful and the numerous hiking trails gorgeous. We were together from Friday to Sunday, where we took in as much of the natural beauty as we could, and had a great time playing with the kids in the mountains as well as in the waters of the pool and the lake. It's a pity that I had to come back to class and learn logistic regression and all the much-less-exciting stuff, but the good news is that today I also got a mentor (someone I have been dreaming of working with) for my research project! So I am glad I made it back and was able to have a productive meeting at UCSF.
One good thing is that both kids are now great at talking to me over the phone. When I am not with them, I get to talk to them once or twice a day, when they report on everything that's been exciting in great details. So if you see me walking on the street, smiling or even laughing as I talk on the phone, it's because my kids are amusing me :) It makes me miss them so much though.
Something else that's taking up all my time is that I am looking for a room to rent--my sister's studio, with one desk and one bed, is going to be too crowded for two hard-working students, one of whom is writing her dissertation in the room everyday. While I don't mind searching for a room somewhere in town, it's eating up much time, so I hope I get it over with soon.
One good thing is that both kids are now great at talking to me over the phone. When I am not with them, I get to talk to them once or twice a day, when they report on everything that's been exciting in great details. So if you see me walking on the street, smiling or even laughing as I talk on the phone, it's because my kids are amusing me :) It makes me miss them so much though.
Something else that's taking up all my time is that I am looking for a room to rent--my sister's studio, with one desk and one bed, is going to be too crowded for two hard-working students, one of whom is writing her dissertation in the room everyday. While I don't mind searching for a room somewhere in town, it's eating up much time, so I hope I get it over with soon.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Cheese polenta... yummmm
I just had to report that I tried another 40% item from the vegan store just now, and it's to die for! A coarse polenta topped with black beans, cheddar cheese and salsa and scallions, baked together, this dish is as far away from anything you get in Taiwan, so it's quite a refreshing new taste. Not Italian, not Mexican, it's sort of hard to categorize. I guess it's authentically Californian/Berkeleyan.
Hopefully this has given me enough energy to continue my studying for tomorrow's big exam!!
Hopefully this has given me enough energy to continue my studying for tomorrow's big exam!!
As mama's absence becomes a pattern...
I went back to Belmont and hung out with everyone, had a wonderful dinner (mama made lots of yummy Chinese dishes), took the boys to the library to see a mad scientist demonstration, and at 8:30 I decided to get a ride from Wei-hong back to Berkeley. As I started saying goodbye to Noah, he got kind of upset, "Mama, don't leave. We want you to stay here!" Ben of course immediately follows up with "Mama-don't leave! Don't leave!" I think they've figured out that as often as they get to see me, I am not there everyday anymore. Though they are okay with me gone, they, quite understandably, do not like it. I felt a little sad, especially as I couldn't promise them that this arrangement will soon be over--the worse part is yet to come after October. I keep telling myself: it is only temporary, and it is for the "greater good", and we should embrace and be content with the fact that we are blessed with a family--our parents and a super Daddy Paul-- that can support me in this way. I am also aware that many people have to endure much worse separation than ours: just think about the Filipino comfort keepers in Taiwan or the Salvadorian workers in Arlington. Many of them leave their children from many many years. Still, I am realistic and know that it certainly won't be painless to be away from the kids and from Paul, and that I will be very glad to rejoin them next spring.
Noah's been asking Paul why I am going to school and what I am learning at school. Paul's attempted explanation (Public Health 101 for 4-year-olds!) seems to make a lot of sense to Noah: mama is learning what to tell teachers to tell their students. For example, your teachers at Kuangming keep telling the children to wash hands, to not put their fingers in their mouths so as to avoid intestinal virus. They also tell you to hold hands when crossing the streets. They also make sure that every kid will eat all of their vegetables and not be picky on food. These rules are supposed to keep you healthy and safe. So mama is learning to figure out what kind of rules we should give to the teachers and parents so everyone will be healthy and safe and happy. So, in Noah's mind, I am at school making a huge list of things to recommend. How do you like that for an explanation of a MPH degree?
Noah's been asking Paul why I am going to school and what I am learning at school. Paul's attempted explanation (Public Health 101 for 4-year-olds!) seems to make a lot of sense to Noah: mama is learning what to tell teachers to tell their students. For example, your teachers at Kuangming keep telling the children to wash hands, to not put their fingers in their mouths so as to avoid intestinal virus. They also tell you to hold hands when crossing the streets. They also make sure that every kid will eat all of their vegetables and not be picky on food. These rules are supposed to keep you healthy and safe. So mama is learning to figure out what kind of rules we should give to the teachers and parents so everyone will be healthy and safe and happy. So, in Noah's mind, I am at school making a huge list of things to recommend. How do you like that for an explanation of a MPH degree?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Gymnastics for Noah
For these past two weeks, we have signed Noah up for two camps, last week was the Young Explorers' Camp at a local park, and this week a gynamstics camp. He's been enjoying both immensely. I was pleasantly surprised at how easily and quickly he fits into a new situation, with no separation anxiety and no worries of total strangers. I guess by this age their cravings for fun and novelty beats their need for stability and security.
I am sorry that I am not able to witness his fun, but from Paul's descriptions, Noah is having a blast at the gym, running around, jumping off cushy mats and monkey bars. I don't usually consider him a gross-motor kid, and 3 hours of non-stop exercise does tire him out. He actually begs for a good nap at lunch time!
I am sorry that I am not able to witness his fun, but from Paul's descriptions, Noah is having a blast at the gym, running around, jumping off cushy mats and monkey bars. I don't usually consider him a gross-motor kid, and 3 hours of non-stop exercise does tire him out. He actually begs for a good nap at lunch time!
Are those seals?
Ben's increasing ability to talk/chat has bumped up amusing laughter rate in the family. At Tilden Park's Lake Anza, where a corner of the lake and beach is fenced in with a swimming area, we saw many swimmers and sun-bathers. As we were walking towards the beach area, Ben noticed these heads popping out of water from time to time.
"Are those seals? Mommy there are many seals in the water!"
"No Ben they are humans, not seals."
Now, for a kid to mistaken humans for seals, that's pretty unusual!
"Are those seals? Mommy there are many seals in the water!"
"No Ben they are humans, not seals."
Now, for a kid to mistaken humans for seals, that's pretty unusual!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Berkeley's Tilden Park and a visit with Ben's friend
This afternoon, after four hours of a demanding lecture and three hours of studying, I was treated by an impromptu visit by Paul and the boys. Together we explored Tilden Regional Park just north of Berkeley over the hills. We first took the little steam train, an old-fashioned miniature train that winds through 1.2 mile of the redwood forest, with beautiful views and a lot of thrills for the kids. Every time the whistle blows, the steam puffs, or the train crosses a bridge or tunnel, Ben's eyes glisten with delight and awe. I love watching them when they are so excited. They are simply in heaven, and that's quite a happy sight for anyone to witness :)
We then went for a walk around Lake Anza in the middle of the Park. Paul was not aware of the vastness of this park, and we were delighted to find the many trails and picnic areas worthy of exploration. The lake view was beautiful, and the trails around it was very interesting, requiring some climbing, which is much fun for the kids. Next time we'll have to explore the carousel, the small zoo, and the botanical garden as well as some of the trails. Paul reminds us to keep up our hiker's spirit and stamina since we did so much of it in Taiwan. It's so relaxing taking a good long walk. We talked about the ducks, the trees, the swimmers in the lake, the fishing guy, and of course, we constantly had to review all the details of the steam train (as well as all the known trains in the world, including the Amtrak, the Shinkasen and the Taiwan High Speed Rail). There's no better way to momentarily forget about the calculations for a two-sample t distribution and the power of a statistical test!
After the walk, we bought the famous Cheeseboard pizzas and joined Yong-yong's family for a picnic and playdate. Yong-yong, a lovely three-year-old girl, was Ben's classmate in Hsinchu. She just arrived in Berkeley with her parents as her dad is attending Berkeley this year. The kids had a wonderful time playing together. Little Yong-yong was so happy to have someone to play with that she was weeping when we had to leave. I could tell she was so excited to have Chinese-speaking friends finally (she's been here for just three weeks and doesn't have friends her age yet so it's been quite lonesome), and we really felt sad seeing her cry while saying "I like so many people to be together!" We need to get the kids together more often.
At 9, the all-washed and pajama-ed kids are taken in the car and driven back. I really had a fun time with these "visitors". On the way to my place, Ben kept asking, "Mama, are there a lot of toys at your place?" Unfortunately, the only "toy" I have is the alarm clock with a night light and paper planes that I make out of magazine papers. I need to come up with a few more entertaining items for their next visit.
We then went for a walk around Lake Anza in the middle of the Park. Paul was not aware of the vastness of this park, and we were delighted to find the many trails and picnic areas worthy of exploration. The lake view was beautiful, and the trails around it was very interesting, requiring some climbing, which is much fun for the kids. Next time we'll have to explore the carousel, the small zoo, and the botanical garden as well as some of the trails. Paul reminds us to keep up our hiker's spirit and stamina since we did so much of it in Taiwan. It's so relaxing taking a good long walk. We talked about the ducks, the trees, the swimmers in the lake, the fishing guy, and of course, we constantly had to review all the details of the steam train (as well as all the known trains in the world, including the Amtrak, the Shinkasen and the Taiwan High Speed Rail). There's no better way to momentarily forget about the calculations for a two-sample t distribution and the power of a statistical test!
After the walk, we bought the famous Cheeseboard pizzas and joined Yong-yong's family for a picnic and playdate. Yong-yong, a lovely three-year-old girl, was Ben's classmate in Hsinchu. She just arrived in Berkeley with her parents as her dad is attending Berkeley this year. The kids had a wonderful time playing together. Little Yong-yong was so happy to have someone to play with that she was weeping when we had to leave. I could tell she was so excited to have Chinese-speaking friends finally (she's been here for just three weeks and doesn't have friends her age yet so it's been quite lonesome), and we really felt sad seeing her cry while saying "I like so many people to be together!" We need to get the kids together more often.
At 9, the all-washed and pajama-ed kids are taken in the car and driven back. I really had a fun time with these "visitors". On the way to my place, Ben kept asking, "Mama, are there a lot of toys at your place?" Unfortunately, the only "toy" I have is the alarm clock with a night light and paper planes that I make out of magazine papers. I need to come up with a few more entertaining items for their next visit.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
My brain is aching...
It's 9pm. I've got not much left but an aching brain and the desire to unwind...
Today: Got up at 6:30 after spending a fun night with the family, got a ride from baba to the BART station at 7:15. Arrived at Berkeley around 8:40. Walked 20 minutes to my classroom. Listened to the GSI's problem sessions until 10 (TAs are called GSIs here. Paul said it sounds like some kind of colon exam!) The professor lectured--really quickly--on hypothesis testing until 11:30, leaving me totally overwhelmed. The class walked over to the computer lab and worked on hypothesis testing on the software until 12:30. Quickly ate my peanut butter sandwich with my study partner.
At 1pm we went to my study group to prepare for tomorrow's quiz. My study group is wonderful, consisting of a Japanese man (worked six years at Proctor and Gamble, just arrived at Cal to do a MBA/MPH and wanted to work in hospital administration), an attorney of 20+ years experience in health policy and law who is also a mother of two boys aged 17 and 19, a senior biology major who is preparing for med school applications, and a high-school girl who is only 15!! You can't get more diverse than this! Everyone's very helpful to one another. At one point, I hear this 15-year-old explaining something to me that I believe is pretty basic but I just couldn't get a full grasp of, I heard myself laughing and saying, "I am so stupid! I can't believe I actually got a PhD. This is embarrassing!" We were laughing a lot throughout. (I think I laugh when I am stressed out.)
At 3:30 I went to see my professor to ask about her lecture and the interpretation of some data. She was super patient and took me through the problems step by step, using various ways to help me understand the material. I was glad I had the guts to ask questions finally. By the time I walked out of her building it was 5. By this point my brain was frozen--I wanted to cry.
I walked home. Saw that the Berkeley Farmers' Market was on. Bought some vegetables and made myself a pasta. Cooking is a good way to calm down, except I turned right back to work after dinner. So now. At 9pm. I am done with work. That's why I stopped to report on a long day with a sore brain.
Looking out the big window in front of me: The sunset horizon across the bay is splendid. The air is fresh and sweet. The moon and stars shining. All is well. I am tired but happy.
Today: Got up at 6:30 after spending a fun night with the family, got a ride from baba to the BART station at 7:15. Arrived at Berkeley around 8:40. Walked 20 minutes to my classroom. Listened to the GSI's problem sessions until 10 (TAs are called GSIs here. Paul said it sounds like some kind of colon exam!) The professor lectured--really quickly--on hypothesis testing until 11:30, leaving me totally overwhelmed. The class walked over to the computer lab and worked on hypothesis testing on the software until 12:30. Quickly ate my peanut butter sandwich with my study partner.
At 1pm we went to my study group to prepare for tomorrow's quiz. My study group is wonderful, consisting of a Japanese man (worked six years at Proctor and Gamble, just arrived at Cal to do a MBA/MPH and wanted to work in hospital administration), an attorney of 20+ years experience in health policy and law who is also a mother of two boys aged 17 and 19, a senior biology major who is preparing for med school applications, and a high-school girl who is only 15!! You can't get more diverse than this! Everyone's very helpful to one another. At one point, I hear this 15-year-old explaining something to me that I believe is pretty basic but I just couldn't get a full grasp of, I heard myself laughing and saying, "I am so stupid! I can't believe I actually got a PhD. This is embarrassing!" We were laughing a lot throughout. (I think I laugh when I am stressed out.)
At 3:30 I went to see my professor to ask about her lecture and the interpretation of some data. She was super patient and took me through the problems step by step, using various ways to help me understand the material. I was glad I had the guts to ask questions finally. By the time I walked out of her building it was 5. By this point my brain was frozen--I wanted to cry.
I walked home. Saw that the Berkeley Farmers' Market was on. Bought some vegetables and made myself a pasta. Cooking is a good way to calm down, except I turned right back to work after dinner. So now. At 9pm. I am done with work. That's why I stopped to report on a long day with a sore brain.
Looking out the big window in front of me: The sunset horizon across the bay is splendid. The air is fresh and sweet. The moon and stars shining. All is well. I am tired but happy.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
40% off delicious hot food
Since I am by myself at Berkeley for three or four days of the weed, where there are endless numbers of practice problems awaiting my solution, I have no incentive to cook anything more elaborate than boiled eggs and steamed vegetables. I really don't: there are no kids to feed, and no table to set (there is literally no dining table here), why bother with cooking? I just have to satisfy my hunger somehow.
The first two weeks I really didn't eat well. Partly because I am still a little nervous about this big change, I just didn't feel like eating much at all when I am here. My sweet hubby has warned me: you cannot live on junk food--get yourself something healthy and tasty! So today I went out to take advantage of being at the gourmet ghetto in search of something tasty and inexpensive.
I had saw the sign of 40% hot food after 4 or 4:30 in this popular neighborhood joint just a block away, so I decided to check it out. It was 4:10. I asked which quiches they had left, and they had all three kinds. They looked really good, so I bought one piece, along with an outmeal ginger cookie made with honey, which looked more like a dense scone. Then I asked about the 40% off deals, and was told that after 4:30, any remaining hot food is sold at 40% discount! Since I already bought my food, I decided to get myself some Italian gelato at the corner Ciao Bella store and come back.
When I came back at 4:35, there were a few homeless men and women waiting for food, and the owners were very gracious and offered salads, pizzas, and lasagnas to them. The owner asked "Zoe" (one young woman who looks like she could be homeless) what she would like, and put the last bit of slaw on her paper plate. How nice to hear her call her by name. It was a very happy scene to be a part of, something that may be more typical here than most other places in the US. I got myself a big piece of this great-looking lasagna for just $3.50! I shall save the quiche for tomorrow's lunch after class :)
Now it's time to sample the lasagna, followed by hazelnut gelato and dark chocolate sorbet! This is going to be the first night I am eating something decent since I got here!
The first two weeks I really didn't eat well. Partly because I am still a little nervous about this big change, I just didn't feel like eating much at all when I am here. My sweet hubby has warned me: you cannot live on junk food--get yourself something healthy and tasty! So today I went out to take advantage of being at the gourmet ghetto in search of something tasty and inexpensive.
I had saw the sign of 40% hot food after 4 or 4:30 in this popular neighborhood joint just a block away, so I decided to check it out. It was 4:10. I asked which quiches they had left, and they had all three kinds. They looked really good, so I bought one piece, along with an outmeal ginger cookie made with honey, which looked more like a dense scone. Then I asked about the 40% off deals, and was told that after 4:30, any remaining hot food is sold at 40% discount! Since I already bought my food, I decided to get myself some Italian gelato at the corner Ciao Bella store and come back.
When I came back at 4:35, there were a few homeless men and women waiting for food, and the owners were very gracious and offered salads, pizzas, and lasagnas to them. The owner asked "Zoe" (one young woman who looks like she could be homeless) what she would like, and put the last bit of slaw on her paper plate. How nice to hear her call her by name. It was a very happy scene to be a part of, something that may be more typical here than most other places in the US. I got myself a big piece of this great-looking lasagna for just $3.50! I shall save the quiche for tomorrow's lunch after class :)
Now it's time to sample the lasagna, followed by hazelnut gelato and dark chocolate sorbet! This is going to be the first night I am eating something decent since I got here!
A good day for my practice
If I were able to truly live up to the spirit of a yogi, yesterday would have been a great day for practicing some good qualities. But, alas, I am still too attached, and had a difficult time observing a thought or reaction and just let it go without judging it.
The morning lecture was kind of theoretical and although I understood the gist of it, I felt very cloudy. I couldn't do the exercises with confidence. I already kind of blamed myself for not getting it, figuring that what's covered is really basic, and something any introductory statistics student should and could learn. Then, at the end of class, we got our first exam back. I could not believe my eyes! I lost 12 points just due to simple miscalculations!! There were a total of four places that I either misread or miscalculated! Four! I even wrote down 12/8=1, and looked up the table for 0.0006 when I wrote down to look up 0.006! What's wrong with me? I could have gotten a 97, but instead I got a 85. It's like the guilt after accidentally driving into a pole: you look at the damage and wondered how on earth could you have done this! And you did it repeatedly! Was it stress? Rusty test-taking skills? or my period? I couldn't figure it out.
Anyway, I know all too well that my objective in this class is to learn the materials and I need not care too much about grades. The point of learning is so I can use the skill to do some good some day, not to get perfect scores and feel good about minor "successes". I should just put the bad test aside and if anything, learn to be more careful next time. But it's easier said than done. I drifted around all afternoon feeling awful, trying to study but had a hard time concentrating. I went to use the computer lab and couldn't get my commands responded. The professor was sitting right behind me but I was too shy (and embarrassed) to ask for help. After a whole hour of fiddling with simple graphing commands, I finally got help, and it was as simple as using another version of the software!
The long and short of it was, I wasted a lot of time. I was upset and couldn't let go. So at the end, I decided what I needed today is a good yoga lesson. Getting on to the mat does make a difference! Although I couldn't say I could completely relax and focus on my practice, I think I did feel a lot better after the lesson. I see what a perfect day it could have been to practice shifting awareness, centering and re-centering, and what a beginner I am in this lifelong practice.
The morning lecture was kind of theoretical and although I understood the gist of it, I felt very cloudy. I couldn't do the exercises with confidence. I already kind of blamed myself for not getting it, figuring that what's covered is really basic, and something any introductory statistics student should and could learn. Then, at the end of class, we got our first exam back. I could not believe my eyes! I lost 12 points just due to simple miscalculations!! There were a total of four places that I either misread or miscalculated! Four! I even wrote down 12/8=1, and looked up the table for 0.0006 when I wrote down to look up 0.006! What's wrong with me? I could have gotten a 97, but instead I got a 85. It's like the guilt after accidentally driving into a pole: you look at the damage and wondered how on earth could you have done this! And you did it repeatedly! Was it stress? Rusty test-taking skills? or my period? I couldn't figure it out.
Anyway, I know all too well that my objective in this class is to learn the materials and I need not care too much about grades. The point of learning is so I can use the skill to do some good some day, not to get perfect scores and feel good about minor "successes". I should just put the bad test aside and if anything, learn to be more careful next time. But it's easier said than done. I drifted around all afternoon feeling awful, trying to study but had a hard time concentrating. I went to use the computer lab and couldn't get my commands responded. The professor was sitting right behind me but I was too shy (and embarrassed) to ask for help. After a whole hour of fiddling with simple graphing commands, I finally got help, and it was as simple as using another version of the software!
The long and short of it was, I wasted a lot of time. I was upset and couldn't let go. So at the end, I decided what I needed today is a good yoga lesson. Getting on to the mat does make a difference! Although I couldn't say I could completely relax and focus on my practice, I think I did feel a lot better after the lesson. I see what a perfect day it could have been to practice shifting awareness, centering and re-centering, and what a beginner I am in this lifelong practice.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Nana and Papa's visit
Nana and Papa came from Memphis for a week-long visit, and we had a wonderful time together. These summer visits have become something of a tradition now, with them staying at this hotel in Belmont, and all going for good foods, nice parks, beaches, taking in the beautiful California weather.
Noah and Ben are such lucky children. They are loved by so many, and I know they know that very well. This is a true blessing, something we can't earn but are given.
I never had grandparents around (Dad's Mom was left in China, as the rest of his family; Mom's parents both died young). So I never knew what's it like to have a big family. I do remember how so excited I was when my uncle came back from studying in the US. He gave me some stickers and a picture book that I loved for years.
Ironically, last weekend, I found the book in a box of childhood things. Of course I took it out to share with the boys. Noah loves seeing things from my childhood and listening to all the stories from when mommy and daddy were little. Now, seeing the cover, memories of hours spent admiring the book all came back. I must have been just 4 or 5 then. Looking at the book now, I couldn't help but noticing its words--it was actually a shock realizing that it's written in English, and had a whole storyline page after page!! My memory of the book didn't include any words, because I didn't know any English, not even one single alphabet. The book all of a sudden took on a totally different meaning. It's a strange feeling seeing it again and now I show it to the kids by reading out the words fluently. It gave me the idea that perhaps I should just let Noah read books by himself, exploring the pictures and not always rely on the words read to him. You can enjoy it almost just as much, for a nice change!
Noah and Ben are such lucky children. They are loved by so many, and I know they know that very well. This is a true blessing, something we can't earn but are given.
I never had grandparents around (Dad's Mom was left in China, as the rest of his family; Mom's parents both died young). So I never knew what's it like to have a big family. I do remember how so excited I was when my uncle came back from studying in the US. He gave me some stickers and a picture book that I loved for years.
Ironically, last weekend, I found the book in a box of childhood things. Of course I took it out to share with the boys. Noah loves seeing things from my childhood and listening to all the stories from when mommy and daddy were little. Now, seeing the cover, memories of hours spent admiring the book all came back. I must have been just 4 or 5 then. Looking at the book now, I couldn't help but noticing its words--it was actually a shock realizing that it's written in English, and had a whole storyline page after page!! My memory of the book didn't include any words, because I didn't know any English, not even one single alphabet. The book all of a sudden took on a totally different meaning. It's a strange feeling seeing it again and now I show it to the kids by reading out the words fluently. It gave me the idea that perhaps I should just let Noah read books by himself, exploring the pictures and not always rely on the words read to him. You can enjoy it almost just as much, for a nice change!
Friday, July 13, 2007
The familiar conversation
On my way to class this morning, I saw a couple with a baby kissing goodbye. The woman had the baby in her carrier, holding a cup of coffee. The men had a backpack, obviously on his way to class. The kissed goodbye. He walked on. She yelled, "Wait, and if you want to come to the Y around noon, we'll be there." He looked hesitant, "Sure... but is that not keeping up with the "optimize time away" rule?" She said, after a disappointed pause, "Well, I guess. I'll see you in the afternoon then."
This conversation sounds so familiar. I sympathize with both of them: She is having the baby for the day, and understandably desiring his company and help. He is on his way to class, thinking about all the work waiting to be done as well as his duties as a dad. The juggles of these devoted, busy parents....
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Bonus bumper sticker, posted on the door of my department chair (School of Public Health):
"Condoms are easier to change than diapers"
This conversation sounds so familiar. I sympathize with both of them: She is having the baby for the day, and understandably desiring his company and help. He is on his way to class, thinking about all the work waiting to be done as well as his duties as a dad. The juggles of these devoted, busy parents....
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Bonus bumper sticker, posted on the door of my department chair (School of Public Health):
"Condoms are easier to change than diapers"
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
My stats professor
You would all agree that the idea of sitting in 4 hours of statistics 5 days a week is far from fun, but I am actually finding the class quite enjoyable. The one and only reason is we have a great professor, who possesses every quality of a good teacher: her lectures are organized, extremely clear, she is stimulating and dynamic, and her side comments thought-provoking. Though the class is extremely fast-paced and covers a lot of materials, she is understanding of students' different backgrounds, levels, and learning styles. She explicitly says that she wants everyone to master the materials, and is willing to give everyone a good grade. Though the materials are hard, her tests are open-book and straight forward.
From the surface, she strikes you as quite a Berkeley hippie, with long, straight hair with no style, a frumpy t-shirt, loose black cotton pants and Birkenstocks. The way she dresses looks like how she probably looked when she was a girl, some 50 years ago. (Paul thought I judged her too harshly on this one, but I just wanted to convey the idea that she is as unadorned as possible for a female at her age.) Some random facts about her: she volunteers as an instructor at San Quentin State Prison. She's been specializing in teaching introductory and advanced biostatistics for many many years (a fact you can immediately tell when listening to her lecture: she knows her stuff way too well!). On the syllabus, under the July 4 holiday, she typed : "holiday in the USA-reflection time on the ideals of the USA!"
Curious about her prison work and her social comments, I did a bit of investigative Google search. Turned out that she is quite a social and religious activist with an alternative lifestyle. She is also a liturgical minister and joins a support organization prompted by a personal tragedy. She and her husband seemed to have sold their fixed home in favor of a camper which allows them to travel easily. (These are not confirmed facts. Just Google returns.)
Leaving the details aside, what I want to say is that seeing someone leading an alternative lifestyle is refreshing. I wonder if perhaps too often, we decide on the "goals" of life too quickly and without reflections. We need a job after college. We want to buy a house. Being in a certain neighborhood with a certain kind of house prompts us to remodel and expand our house. With children we need a newer car...... And in order to sustain these needs, we have to work harder and make more money. In order to make more money, we want to be more "successful", and when we taste success, we want more of it. I am by no means saying saying that we take a job just to want money to afford a house, that's far from being true. I just fear the interconnections of earning and consuming taking over our understanding of reality. And at some point I don't know how to (or we ever desire to) get out of it.
I am just rambling here, but this professor, without revealing much of her personal opinions, has given me something to think about. Back to my main point about this class: a good and dynamic teacher really makes a difference!
From the surface, she strikes you as quite a Berkeley hippie, with long, straight hair with no style, a frumpy t-shirt, loose black cotton pants and Birkenstocks. The way she dresses looks like how she probably looked when she was a girl, some 50 years ago. (Paul thought I judged her too harshly on this one, but I just wanted to convey the idea that she is as unadorned as possible for a female at her age.) Some random facts about her: she volunteers as an instructor at San Quentin State Prison. She's been specializing in teaching introductory and advanced biostatistics for many many years (a fact you can immediately tell when listening to her lecture: she knows her stuff way too well!). On the syllabus, under the July 4 holiday, she typed : "holiday in the USA-reflection time on the ideals of the USA!"
Curious about her prison work and her social comments, I did a bit of investigative Google search. Turned out that she is quite a social and religious activist with an alternative lifestyle. She is also a liturgical minister and joins a support organization prompted by a personal tragedy. She and her husband seemed to have sold their fixed home in favor of a camper which allows them to travel easily. (These are not confirmed facts. Just Google returns.)
Leaving the details aside, what I want to say is that seeing someone leading an alternative lifestyle is refreshing. I wonder if perhaps too often, we decide on the "goals" of life too quickly and without reflections. We need a job after college. We want to buy a house. Being in a certain neighborhood with a certain kind of house prompts us to remodel and expand our house. With children we need a newer car...... And in order to sustain these needs, we have to work harder and make more money. In order to make more money, we want to be more "successful", and when we taste success, we want more of it. I am by no means saying saying that we take a job just to want money to afford a house, that's far from being true. I just fear the interconnections of earning and consuming taking over our understanding of reality. And at some point I don't know how to (or we ever desire to) get out of it.
I am just rambling here, but this professor, without revealing much of her personal opinions, has given me something to think about. Back to my main point about this class: a good and dynamic teacher really makes a difference!
Friday, July 06, 2007
Backyard life
Gong-gong reading Tang poetry with Noah.
Jacuzzi is the kids' swimming pool.
Mom and Dad are always gardening.
Ben helping to water the bamboos.California pictures
Some recent pictures showing family activities: Noah drawing, of course, Ben playing with a toy plane. A week ago we took a wonderful hike in Marin County, on the beautiful Tennessee Valley Trail and Beach. The last picture was taken at Lake Merced just south of San Francisco. California has so many pretty places and open space for kids to roam free!
The heart is the busiest one of all: Chatting with Noah, on and on and on
Noah’s quite a chatter. He can talk to you at length about practically anything under the earth, both in person and on the phone. I was joking to Paul that when he is alone with two kids in DC and I am on the other side of the continent, anytime he is frazzled, just tell Noah to call me and I can babysit by phone for an hour to get Noah off his sight.
Some of the recent topics that received long (up to an hour) of engaged conversations include: nuclear physics--known as what Gongong studied--, reasons why Americans don’t run red lights, climate and climate change, water pollution, animal extinction, reasons why some people don’t eat octopus and seaweed, marriage and weddings. This last topic was started when he found one of our wedding photos and asked why people have to dress up on their wedding day. I explained that it’s a big day because mommy and daddy decided to live together forever, leaving their parents to start a new family. He was sad to learn about that, and kept asking for reassurance: “But you still come back to your mommy and daddy often, right?"
This little old man just goes on chatting all day long. At times he looks so serious and focused (exactly like when Paul's writing his book), constantly coming up with folk theories of how things work and why things work a certain way, often making amusing causal connections and analogies of all sorts. Last night, in the bathtub, he asked about the function of human heart. Before he started, I saw him touching his and Ben’s chest bare chests and saying, “I think my heart beats higher.” Not knowing what that means, I tried to teach him how to feel his heart and explain what the heart does.
”So the heart is really busy,” he asserts. “Yeah, it doesn’t even stop when you are asleep.” “So the heart is even busier than mommy and daddy.” I was amused, “So you think we are really busy?” “Well, not as busy as the heart. But like when we go out to the playground, you have to make fried rice.” (Where did that come from? I should note that this whole conversation took place in Chinese, if that makes any difference.) “Actually, Noah, I think you are pretty lucky that your parents aren’t as busy as some other parents. We play with you a lot. Like Yan yu-jie’s parents, they have to work until 8 or 9 every night.” “That’s why my friends like Doudou and Xin-an are not picked up until they are in the “on-duty room” (a.k.a. by Paul as “the holding cell”).
As you can see, the conversation digressed but eventually came back to the functions of the heart. And he concluded towards the end of bath that the heart is busier than anyone in the whole wide world.
Some of the recent topics that received long (up to an hour) of engaged conversations include: nuclear physics--known as what Gongong studied--, reasons why Americans don’t run red lights, climate and climate change, water pollution, animal extinction, reasons why some people don’t eat octopus and seaweed, marriage and weddings. This last topic was started when he found one of our wedding photos and asked why people have to dress up on their wedding day. I explained that it’s a big day because mommy and daddy decided to live together forever, leaving their parents to start a new family. He was sad to learn about that, and kept asking for reassurance: “But you still come back to your mommy and daddy often, right?"
This little old man just goes on chatting all day long. At times he looks so serious and focused (exactly like when Paul's writing his book), constantly coming up with folk theories of how things work and why things work a certain way, often making amusing causal connections and analogies of all sorts. Last night, in the bathtub, he asked about the function of human heart. Before he started, I saw him touching his and Ben’s chest bare chests and saying, “I think my heart beats higher.” Not knowing what that means, I tried to teach him how to feel his heart and explain what the heart does.
”So the heart is really busy,” he asserts. “Yeah, it doesn’t even stop when you are asleep.” “So the heart is even busier than mommy and daddy.” I was amused, “So you think we are really busy?” “Well, not as busy as the heart. But like when we go out to the playground, you have to make fried rice.” (Where did that come from? I should note that this whole conversation took place in Chinese, if that makes any difference.) “Actually, Noah, I think you are pretty lucky that your parents aren’t as busy as some other parents. We play with you a lot. Like Yan yu-jie’s parents, they have to work until 8 or 9 every night.” “That’s why my friends like Doudou and Xin-an are not picked up until they are in the “on-duty room” (a.k.a. by Paul as “the holding cell”).
As you can see, the conversation digressed but eventually came back to the functions of the heart. And he concluded towards the end of bath that the heart is busier than anyone in the whole wide world.
Starting from zero
It's been quite an humbling experience being a summer intensive statistics student. I realized that everything I have earned for myself since the end of high school--experience, knowledge, status (if any), sense of self worth--means nothing in this context and in this new role. I might as well be fresh out of high school and starting college in America all over again! (In a way it does feel like that first semester at De Anza College fresh out of Taiwan.... I just know more English and less math than I did then.) With my big backpack, t-shirt, and Tevas, I look just like any other Cal students. Nobody knows anything that I thought would define me (a college instructor, a mom of two, Paul's wife, for example). In doing probability, I felt so rusty, knowing that I would have done better in high school. The guy sitting next to me is a sophomore from Taiwan University, a 'kid' who could have been my student just two months ago. He doesn't say much, but whenever I don't know the answer to a problem, he knows it instantly! I know to sit next to him from now on. He has the answers! Actually, after class today, I told him if he would help me with stats, I'll be happy to help with his film class paper.
Though I know if not for what I have accomplished, I would not be here, and I am actually paid a salary to do this, still, what a truly humbling experience. A very healthy one!
Though I know if not for what I have accomplished, I would not be here, and I am actually paid a salary to do this, still, what a truly humbling experience. A very healthy one!
Monday, July 02, 2007
I am a Berkeley student!?
I am sitting in my sister's studio in north Berkeley, the area typically known as the Gourmet Ghetto. Looking out the window from the desk to the west, I can see the SF bay, the Bay Bridge, SF with the Transamerica pyramid. To the north, I see and smell flowering trees, gardenia and jasmine blossoms. To the north and east, there are the hills behind Berkeley. All of my windows are wide open--and with no screen and no mosquitoes--this old apartment is breezy and bright.
After four hours of the first day of statistics class--which was not too bad at all but promises to get worse-- and trip to the nearby market, I made myself a big bowl of mixed green salad, accompanied by slices of fresh mozzarella cheese, crusty bread, and a peach. It's a simple and refreshing lunch I hadn't had in a year. What's strange is eating alone and being all by myself, with no TV, no music, no kids, no reading materials except for statistics and Buddhist art history (my sister's)!
After lunch, I immediately hit the books and the problem sets. Some first impressions of being a student again:
--It's kind of nice being assigned what to do in order to learn. Just do X, Y, and read Z, due tomorrow.
--The undergraduates do seem much younger now, finally!
--Textbooks are insanely expensive: my used copy of stats book cost $100, more than a Taiwanese student's one month rent! If not for my book allowance, I'd commit the crime of zeroxing! How do you expect average students to pay for $1000+ worth of books a year? It's just absurd!
As for first impressions of being at Berkeley:
--Tons of friendly, laid back people enjoying conversations and reading newspapers at cafes. This morning, as I was saying goodbye to Paul where we got brioches and coffee (yes, pastries at the Cheese Board!), I said, "Okay--wish me luck!" A group of 6, 7 women next to us immediately turned to me and said in unison: "Good luck!" It was nice getting multiple well wishes from a bunch of friendly strangers.
--Lots of walkers everywhere, including myself. Walking around without heavy fumes and humidity is really nice :)
--Lots of tempting plum and peach trees. Can I pick them to eat?
--Lots of sources for guilty pleasure, such as authentic gelateria, gourmet dark chocolate, cappuccinos, homemade soups and sandwiches. The prices made them rather harsh on your pocket, hence the guilty part, but nevertheless pleasures.
--Very ethnically diverse, like a little UN here.
--Amusing signs and bumper stickers. I am collecting them to report later.
The best part of the apartment is the big picture that Noah drew for me yesterday, with humming birds, airplanes, and him. I miss them already and can't wait to go back to them tomorrow.
Now, enough digressing... back to my problem sets. Quiz on Thursday already. (I am so not used to the idea of taking quizzes!)
After four hours of the first day of statistics class--which was not too bad at all but promises to get worse-- and trip to the nearby market, I made myself a big bowl of mixed green salad, accompanied by slices of fresh mozzarella cheese, crusty bread, and a peach. It's a simple and refreshing lunch I hadn't had in a year. What's strange is eating alone and being all by myself, with no TV, no music, no kids, no reading materials except for statistics and Buddhist art history (my sister's)!
After lunch, I immediately hit the books and the problem sets. Some first impressions of being a student again:
--It's kind of nice being assigned what to do in order to learn. Just do X, Y, and read Z, due tomorrow.
--The undergraduates do seem much younger now, finally!
--Textbooks are insanely expensive: my used copy of stats book cost $100, more than a Taiwanese student's one month rent! If not for my book allowance, I'd commit the crime of zeroxing! How do you expect average students to pay for $1000+ worth of books a year? It's just absurd!
As for first impressions of being at Berkeley:
--Tons of friendly, laid back people enjoying conversations and reading newspapers at cafes. This morning, as I was saying goodbye to Paul where we got brioches and coffee (yes, pastries at the Cheese Board!), I said, "Okay--wish me luck!" A group of 6, 7 women next to us immediately turned to me and said in unison: "Good luck!" It was nice getting multiple well wishes from a bunch of friendly strangers.
--Lots of walkers everywhere, including myself. Walking around without heavy fumes and humidity is really nice :)
--Lots of tempting plum and peach trees. Can I pick them to eat?
--Lots of sources for guilty pleasure, such as authentic gelateria, gourmet dark chocolate, cappuccinos, homemade soups and sandwiches. The prices made them rather harsh on your pocket, hence the guilty part, but nevertheless pleasures.
--Very ethnically diverse, like a little UN here.
--Amusing signs and bumper stickers. I am collecting them to report later.
The best part of the apartment is the big picture that Noah drew for me yesterday, with humming birds, airplanes, and him. I miss them already and can't wait to go back to them tomorrow.
Now, enough digressing... back to my problem sets. Quiz on Thursday already. (I am so not used to the idea of taking quizzes!)
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