Was I still not born yet?

Talking about trying not to feel any guilt as a parent... On one level, I know that since we love each child equally and dearly, we don't have to worry about the differences they experience due to their birth orders. Noah was born first, and the emotions of the parents were quite different from when the second child came along. And being the little one, Ben's always had the love and fun of having us parents as well as a big brother, whom he simply adores. So life blesses them with different treats, not one is better or more special than the other.

But over the weekend when we were watching the DVDs of Noah as a baby, I did feel some guilt. There were two DVDs that we made for Noah's babyhood, and the second one--the last DVD we had made--ended with a picture of newborn Ben wrapped in hospital blanket!! As we were watching, the boys were of course intrigued, and from time to time, Ben would wonder, "Was I still not born yet?" "Is that when I was a baby?" After saying no a number of times, I felt terrible! Paul and I scrambled to put together a DVD that had the last few months with lots of Benjamin in it! Some day we have to dig up the Ben-as-baby footages so we have something to show his wife!

When I think about our wonderful year in Taiwan, I also feel kind of bad that Noah has had a much more vivid and interesting memory of Taiwan than Ben. He remembers his school friends, the exciting trips we took, the bugs, the butterflies, the hot springs, the food, and the campus we lived in. Ben, on the other hand, has a much vaguer memory of the year. In addition, Noah's Chinese is quite solid, while Ben's, though originally much more native-like (partially because he basically learned Chinese before English), is getting rusty with me being gone and no regular exposure possible. All of these make me wish I could somehow "make it up" to little Ben.

But I am comforted by the way he looks up to Noah--every sentence of his now ends with "RIGHT, HANHAN?" soliciting Noah's (Hanhan) agreement or input--that he has the gift of a wonderful big brother, something he is very proud of and comforted by.